Drunk jokes

[architech]

It's a cyber pub ... why not :confused:
Post your drunk jokes here.

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:D

[architech]

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
" I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost.
It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife."
He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[architech]

Poor Guys Go Drinking

Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.

One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a
sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun
away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear.

"We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When
the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly
and you're gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The
bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of
the bar," said the guy.

They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.

After the seventh bar, they were both extremely drunk. One of them
started complaining,
"Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my
knees."

His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog
four bars ago!"

[architech]

someone here sent me this.... via PM.. :D




A bear walks into a bar in Boston sits down and calls over the bartender. The bartender says "what do you want?"

The bear replies "Gimmee a bottle of beer".

"I'm sorry Mr Bear but it is illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."

The bear says "I don't care. Gimmee a bottle of beer."

the bartender repeats "I told you Mr Bear but it is illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."

Well the bear gets kinda irritated w/ the bartender and says "If you don't get me a bottle of beer, you see that girl over there, I'll eat her."

The bartender says"You do what you gotta do Mr. Bear but I told you, "It's illegal for a bartender in boston to serve a bottle of beer to a bear in a bar."

So the bear gets up, goes over, eats the girl then sits back down and orders a bottle of beer.

The bartender says "Sorry Mr. Bear but we don't serve drug addicts."

The bear completely surprised at the bartenders reaction says "What the h e l l do you mean?" Bartender says "That was a "bar-b i t c h-u-ate."

[architech]

From Gilbert Godfrey's roast of Bob Saget on Comedy Central channel
[Bob Saget - 8 years of Full House - sitcom dad]
Gilbert says...
"John Stamos walks into a bar and the bartender says we have drink named after you. John replies - what a secret-hag"
(cleaned up - should be f in hag)


The Olson twins walk in a bar and say give us an azz-hurts. and the bartender says how do you make that. and they reply, well Bob Saget comes over with some chocalate milk (And Gilbert implies the little girls fall asleep after drinking the milk and ....)


So Bob Saget walks in the bar and asks for a shot of Bob Saget. the bartender asks how do you make that.... Bob replies....
Well you give me ONE shot - i suck for 8 eight years and you pay me 100 million dollars.






[This is lot more funnier with Gilbert's delivery - :D]

[architech]

another joke sent me here... LOL



A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he craqqed in my pants, too.”

[Grape Dude]

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

[Grape Dude]

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[Grape Dude]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager asked, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi.'
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.'
'How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'

The kid says 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'