Wife Jokes/ Women Jokes

[architech]

Post your wife or women jokes here.
Marriage jokes from the husband's perspective.
("Mean" jokes aimed at the women - LOL)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."

:P :lol:

[architech]

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

[architech]

WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. Confucius says:
man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

19. Marriage is a man and a woman becoming one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend:
I HAD IT ALL-
MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW!
IT WAS ALL GONE.
WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend.
He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a ****tail party, one woman said to another:
AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?
The other replied, YES, I, AM.
I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing
- YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing
- either the car is new or the wife is.

[architech]

Old Sex

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.

I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

[architech]

A man takes his wife to the livestock show.


They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states
"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year; isn't that nice!."



They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:
"This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"



They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:
"This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."



The fed up man turns to his wife and says,
"Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same old cow."

[architech]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO HAVE HAD ENOUGH
(35 points):

1.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

2.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

4.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

5.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one)

7.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

8.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

9.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

10.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.

11.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

12.
You have enough clothes.

13.
You have too many shoes.

14.
Crying is blackmail.

15.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints
don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

16.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

17.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

18.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee
or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're
saying anyway...)

23.
Check your oil.

24.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

25.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

28.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

29.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

30.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

31.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

32.
If it itches, it will be scratched.

33.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong.

34.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

35.
What the hell is a doily?


:shock:

:P
:D
:lol:

[architech]

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson.
This was so wild I had to send it to ALL my friends!


This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope including the wedding party.
He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was a 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.

(He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F-U,"
He turned to the bride and said "F-U,"
And then he turned to the dumb founded crowd and said "I'm out of here."


He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.



His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families i.e. their parents,brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.





This guy has gonads the size of church bells.
AND this is his world and we just live in it. :twisted:

[architech]

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[mom of 3]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and
goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought,
just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a
tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time
of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do,"
she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I
remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you
remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you
to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she
replies softly. He wipes another tear from his
cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

[VERYCIVILDRAFTER]

Two friends are about to tee off at the golf course when a guy calls out, "Mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they say. So they start playing and the newcomer turns out to be a good guy.

Part way through the course, one of the friends asks him, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man."

"You're joking!"

"Nope," he says, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "My tools."

"That's a beautiful scope," said the other friend. "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picks up the rifle and looks through the sight.

"Yeah, there's my house all right. This thing's fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha -- she's naked!"

"Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too! The bitch!"

He turns to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I charge a flat rate. A thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can I order two?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She never shuts up, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man picks up the rifle and takes aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" says the friend impatiently.

"Shhh," says the hit man calmly. "I think I can save you a grand here."

[mom of 3]

"Shhh," says the hit man calmly. "I think I can save you a grand here."

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:lol:

[architech]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer
item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears
naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday

[My_K]

I'm new here... So I take it that there are very few members of the female gender here? :lol:

<But i have to admit that they are funny>

[mom of 3]

So I take it that there are very few members of the female gender here?

yes, & those men pick on me ALL the time!!!!!!!!!!
:evil:
(ok, not really..........just once in a while)
welcome!!!!!!!!!
:mrgreen:

[naezi]

ok thanks for the message

[mom of 3]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
> > Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
> > complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
> > Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he
> > uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
> > "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
> > piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a
> > few seconds."
> > Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
> > I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
> > "How long will this take?" I ask.
> > "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
> > I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
> > between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
> > over the years?"
> > Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
> > He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy,
> > he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[architech]

A sexy woman went up the bar in a quiet rural pub.... she gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager"? She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do"?

"Yes, I need you to give him a message", she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her finger into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him"? the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him" she whispered, " there's no toilet paper , hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room".

[Plotter Guy]

Q: how many men does it take to open a beer ?
A: NONE, A good woman would open it when she Brings it !